Monday, August 23, 2010

Die Neue Republikanische Ordnung -- Geld Ohne Arbeit!!

Dear Friends in Faith,

Our one and true Christian Bible teaches that God’s love is expressed in worldly wealth. Why else would he have blessed David and Solomon? David sent Bathsheba’s husband off to the front lines to die so that David could marry her. God didn’t make him poor or disabled for that! The money kept rolling in and he died an old man. New Republicans have no need to hide their blessings. In fact, the primary right of The New Republican Order is expressed in our motto "Geld Ohne Arbiet" which is our spiritual fatherland’s way of saying "Unearned Income." It is one of God’s most tender blessings. God willed that our Homeland should tax unearned income at a lower rate than earned income because work -- producing earned income -- is punishment for original sin.
"To those who have, more will be given. To those who have not, even what little remains will be taken away!!" -- J. Christ, New Republican spokesperson
New Republicans have no reason to feel guilt about Unearned Income because Christ already died for our sins -- all of them; now and forever. Your sins are forgiven almost as soon as you think about sinning -- that’s His gift to us. All New Republicans should enjoy Unearned Income because it’s their God given right. Small people don’t understand this. They just whine and complain. That’s why “what little remains is taken away" from poor people -- they are sinners and don’t deserve it.
"The poor are always with you" -- J. Christ, NRO spokesperson
So What!! God made the poor to show proof of his blessings to New Republicans!
"Once while I was walking with my students, I saw a man who was blind from birth. My students asked me: “Master, who sinned, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? I answered, ‘Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him." -- J. Christ, NRO spokesperson
The reason our Homeland is under siege is because the earned-income vermin and even people who don’t work for anything at all have been misled by Satan to think that they deserve a place at our table. The leaders of the New Republican Order anticipated this and as early as 2000 (in the year of our Lord) launched a series of programs to put earned-income sinners back in their place while reducing surplus population.

Our program using globalization to destroy local employment has been tremendously effective in our Homeland and is starting to bear fruit in Godless Europe. Simply by withholding employment, we have reversed the insidious social climbing in which income-earning sinners have been engaged. One day, we may allow them to work again, but only on our terms God’s terms.

By limiting health care to those who can afford it, we have achieved efficient surplus population reduction at a near zero cost per unit. By ensuring that affordability is linked to continuous employment we have achieved unbelievable levels of employee devotion in the few places where we have allowed jobs. The outsourced are rendered surplus and are of no concern.

Contribute now to the NRO. Forward is the only option. God is waiting.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

There is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was "Political Correctness." The winner wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

TB (The Boss) was nervous.

On his last "Focus on The Client" junket, TB and his personal secretaries Manuelo and Ms. Kokbytur all fell asleep watching serial motivational videos. The next morning as TB lay half awake under both, an earnest tele-father-figure in tight Armani business casual was blaring out an exegesis on the sins of the flesh in tones of brass and brimstone. The earnest prophet was concentrating on sin among the higher order of God's creatures, in particular on the demoralizing effects of "porn."

Since TB was still drowsy, the message was subliminal and long lasting. He finally woke up with a burning sensation that Porn was deleterious to workplace productivity, and since workplace productivity is directly correlated to shareholder value which is directly correlated to options and bonus, porn must be eradicated, and TB set about doing it after a full week of strenuous motivation.


From: The Boss
To: Everyone

"Here at my company, we try to maintain a high level of professional conduct and responsibility. Everyone is expected to adhere to the highest standards in everything we do in public including Ethics with a capital 'E'. One thing that affects Ethics is purity. Purity in washing, bathing, focus on the customer and efficient exchange of gases from all orifices to name a few. But most assuredly, it is Purity in Sex and how our Associates think about Sex that is of utmost concern.

"Bad thinking about Sex reduces employee productivity. Instead of concentrating on client satisfaction and focusing on the customer, associates spend that valuable time in the bathroom, and I don't mean just #1 or #2. It shouldn't take 15 minutes to dump a load, but some of our security tapes show associates taking up to an hour or more, probably after imagining my personal secretary Ms. Kokbytur giving a rim job to a file clerk.

"So we're going to put disk scanners, keystroke loggers and web trackers on all the computers. We catch you with porn and your ass is out pronto. And just so you know what I'm talking about, here's specifically what I mean:

* Tits
* Ass (both kinds)
* Pussy
* Cocks
* Cock sucking (with or without prostate massage)
* Eating out
* Hand Jobs
* Sex toys, chairs and other equipment
* Any kind of active fucking; gay or straight

Be Warned!!!"

Tot, the consultant, floated in on little cat's feet and whispered sensuously while passing the ubiquitous envelope.

"Oh yeah, anything involving horses, or Junior doing red-rocket on a German Shepard should be turned over to Mistress Forever in HR."

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Boss practices his annual stockholder RAP

"I'm gonna grow this business through strategic activity.
Gonna make the muthaFUKers keep a record of delivery.
FUKin DEMonstrate thought leadership,
build strong client relationships,
Stick six sigma metrics up the customer butt.
Till they wiggle and giggle like a horny ol' slut.
"Ain't no bitch make my costs get screwed.
My strategic leadership'll increase revenue.
MuthaFUKers -- I'll drive client centric growth.
Force a new business model down you throat.
"This be real excitin' time to improve solutions.
Buildin' new relationships is our re-doin.
No muthaFUKin ASS-sociates gonna cut my agility
to muchaFUKin drive profitability.
Cuttin' operational costs be the word of the Boss.
You curl up and dyin' ain't none of my loss.
"Ain't no bitch make my costs get screwed.
My strategic leadership'll increase revenue.
MuthaFUKers -- I'll drive client centric growth.
Force a new business model down you throat."
-- with apologies to W. E. Deming

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Boss and his Minions

The Boss sits in his 200'x400' cavern; supplicating acolytes wait quivering. Dark walls are covered with suggestive quilts made by wives of the unemployed. Beseeching works of prairie art, cows mooing over their veal, squealing hogs prepared for dinner, shivering sheep, chickens imploding like air sucked out of a paper bag.

"Who's in charge of company inertia? We seem to be losing speed!," he spits through dripping yellow lips. Two acolytes collapse, shitting themselves; they are dragged off to the heap. "We can't seem to get anything DONE around here. Get me an employee." A mail room clerk is delivered impaled on his cart. "What have YOU done to satisfyingly service our customers?!?! We all have to pull our weight around here." The clerk doesn't answer, but stares out through clouded eyes. "Well, if you don't want to be a part of our growth and success ... Fuck'em." The clerk disappears.

A consultant edges in child-like; spreading rumors of disruption. An envelope is passed full of green and brown assurances. The Boss smiles.

(pause. The acolytes tremble)

"Give me Choices! Give me Options!" Two more pass out. Another submits an employee communication.

"Dear associates.

"These are rough times for all of us, especially your superiors. In our global quest to increase shareholder value through quality and focus on the customer, we need to set our goals higher and higher. Last year, we grew by only 50% thus missing our bonus target of 75% growth by 25%. With high unemployment and a surplus of applicants with similar or better skill sets, the good news is that you all still have jobs. Thus it is with great relief and satisfaction that I can announce that the yearly bonus payout of 1% of base salary will be reduced by only 25%.

"I myself will forgo a raise this year, and restrict my mandated option rights to the minimum allowed. I can assure you that those few who qualify for a raise will receive, as promised after a 6 month belt tightening period, at least 2%."
The Boss smiles. "That's good enough. Nobody will quit." The consultant coos in the Boss's ear.

"Right. Find somebody essential and fire them anyway -- keeps everyone on their toes. All right -- Clear the Room!! Everybody OUT!!!

"Bring the boy in."