Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Boss and his Minions

The Boss sits in his 200'x400' cavern; supplicating acolytes wait quivering. Dark walls are covered with suggestive quilts made by wives of the unemployed. Beseeching works of prairie art, cows mooing over their veal, squealing hogs prepared for dinner, shivering sheep, chickens imploding like air sucked out of a paper bag.

"Who's in charge of company inertia? We seem to be losing speed!," he spits through dripping yellow lips. Two acolytes collapse, shitting themselves; they are dragged off to the heap. "We can't seem to get anything DONE around here. Get me an employee." A mail room clerk is delivered impaled on his cart. "What have YOU done to satisfyingly service our customers?!?! We all have to pull our weight around here." The clerk doesn't answer, but stares out through clouded eyes. "Well, if you don't want to be a part of our growth and success ... Fuck'em." The clerk disappears.

A consultant edges in child-like; spreading rumors of disruption. An envelope is passed full of green and brown assurances. The Boss smiles.

(pause. The acolytes tremble)

"Give me Choices! Give me Options!" Two more pass out. Another submits an employee communication.

"Dear associates.

"These are rough times for all of us, especially your superiors. In our global quest to increase shareholder value through quality and focus on the customer, we need to set our goals higher and higher. Last year, we grew by only 50% thus missing our bonus target of 75% growth by 25%. With high unemployment and a surplus of applicants with similar or better skill sets, the good news is that you all still have jobs. Thus it is with great relief and satisfaction that I can announce that the yearly bonus payout of 1% of base salary will be reduced by only 25%.

"I myself will forgo a raise this year, and restrict my mandated option rights to the minimum allowed. I can assure you that those few who qualify for a raise will receive, as promised after a 6 month belt tightening period, at least 2%."
The Boss smiles. "That's good enough. Nobody will quit." The consultant coos in the Boss's ear.

"Right. Find somebody essential and fire them anyway -- keeps everyone on their toes. All right -- Clear the Room!! Everybody OUT!!!

"Bring the boy in."

1 comment:

Virginia said...

Haha! Why does this sound familiar?